There is usually an outcry every time a holiday comes around that the “true” meaning of the holiday is lost, or that said holiday is now offensive. What people don’t realize is that holidays like most everything else, except conservatives, evolve. As such I’ve made the effort to compile a list of the current meaning of US Holidays.
- New Years Day – This holiday is celebrated by nursing your hangover, eating something round for good luck and watching college football tournaments. True meaning is you made it another year.
- Valentine’s Day – Hallmark, Godiva, FTD and De Beers guilt men into buying women these things. True meaning these gifts usually get you laid.
- Washington’s Birthday – This holiday is celebrated by having sales at major retailers usually on bedding. True meaning stores want to draw people in after the holiday rush.
- St. Patrick’s Day – You wear green and get drunk off of green beer. True meaning you are allowed to get blind drunk and no one judges you.
- Easter – You get candy, eat ham and rabbits are cool. True meaning Cadbury gets to unload its stockpile of Cadbury Eggs.
- Cinco de Mayo - Specials on margaritas and Coronas.True meaning nachos and guacamole.
- Memorial Day – This holiday is celebrated with having Monday off of work, cooking out and drinking too much on a Sunday. True meaning make sure your grill is still working.
- Independence Day – This holiday is celebrated by going to a park or rooftop and watching fireworks and buying them from other states and shooting them off yourself. True meaning you get to blow shit up.
- Halloween – Little kids beg for candy, women put on their sluttiest outfits. Left over candy is shared at the office. True meaning you start to put on your “winter weight” and dentists start funding their retirement homes.
- Thanksgiving – You overeat turkey, watch football and avoid discussing religion and politics with your family. Canned cranberry manufacturers are subsidized. True meaning you excuse your self from eating healthily from now until the new year.
- Christmas – You exchange gifts, have a big dinner and watch football and lie to your kids about Santa Claus. True meaning is the credit card industry guilts you into over spending and collects 18% interest for the next six years.
- New Year’s Eve – You put on your tux, buy champaign and make fancy plans to watch the ball drop in Times Square. True meaning you make a list of resolutions that you’ll probably not keep.
